Alt= picture of woman writing a letter in a journal

A letter to my 9 – year – old self

Alt= picture of woman writing a letter in a journal
Letter writing is so cathartic.

Hey there beautiful girl! How are you? I know that life has been strange. It’s changing. People you knew and trusted are gone. There are new people in your life. You’re at your 6th new school. You don’t see your own family much. The relationships with your parents is odd but you’re taking it all in stride. 

You’re young. It’s what you do. You bounce back. You’re happy. You’re accepting. You’ve already seen more than your fair share of drama. You’ve got a leg up on childhood trauma but you’re like rubber. You bounce back and you’re super cute at that. 

Dear, sweet, beautiful baby girl. Life will change even more for you. Your grandmother will transition soon and it will be hard. While this isn’t your first brush with death, it is the first time that you truly understand it. You will be broken. Your emotions will be stifled. It will be a pain that you’ll carry in the pit of your heart for the foreseeable future. Know that she loves you and she looks out for you always. No matter what you go through in this life you make her so proud. 

I wish I could say that was all, but it’s not. One day really soon you’ll be sitting in the car with your father and he’ll tell you that he’s sending you away at the end of the school year. The story will be that taking care of you is effecting his relationship. It’s too much for his new wife and they feel that your mom should be the one to raise you. That brokenness from before engulfs you now. You’ll cry and you won’t really understand. You’re not supposed to understand baby girl. That conversation was inappropriate and that’s a weight that an adult should never put on a child. 

This conversation will be a turning point for you. The pain that you don’t understand is rejection and abandonment. You feel lost. You’re hurting. This is the start of your abandonment issues. I wish that I could tell you that it gets better…but it doesn’t. Not for a very long time. The moments of happiness are fleeting. The relationship with you and all of your parents continues to deteriorate. Life gets continuously harder and you even contemplate and attempt suicide. I’m not going to lie to you baby girl, it gets rough. 

Before you write this life off as a waste though I want to tell you some really important things. 

  1. You are absolutely amazing. So smart, talented and gifted. You will excel at everything that you touch. I mean… math isn’t that great but you still excel and kick ass in your standardized tests ( SO TAKE THAT ALGEBRA). 
  2. You light up rooms with your amazing spirit, bubbly personality and power. You make people happy and want more out of life. At one point you will be amazed at the number of people who will tell you how much you changed them. So on those days when you feel like you’re worth absolutely nothing, remember that there are people who gleam so much from you. Remember that it is a blessing to be of service to others.
  3. You are loved. Unfortunately the pain will consume you and you’ll struggle to see the light outside of the darkness but people love you. Oh so many people love you,on this side and the next. You are loved. God loves you. There is a special boy growing up to love you. So even on those days that it doesn’t feel like it, YOU ARE LOVED. 
  4. Speaking of that boy…he really loves you. He will grow into the most amazing man and you will have the most amazing love. People you know and total strangers will tell you how much the love the two of you have inspires them. It won’t be easy. You’ll be two very wounded people trying to figure out how to love the pain out of yourselves and each other, but it will be so worth it. Honor yourself through the bullshit (because there will be plenty) but also heal yourself because your mess is part of the problem. Love that man. Marry that man. Have loads of beautiful babies. 
  5. While we’re on the subject of healing. That is a long a painful process. There is so much more that happens before you are in a safe space to heal. It will be slow and there will be decades of pain to unpack. It will be messy and it will be complicated. The years of abuse are directly connected to your self worth but I’m here to tell you something important: their actions don’t define you. You are not responsible for the way that they treated you. You were the child and they were the adults. Their issues, their pain, their trauma is not your own. Unfortunately you were on the receiving end of their unresolved trauma but that has nothing to do with you. You will heal. It will hurt. It will take time. However you have friends to love you through it. You have a wonderful man to love you through it. You will be fine. 
  6. Most importantly: I love you. You are so amazing and strong. You take so much in stride and you keep going. You accomplish so much in spite of having minimal financial support and no emotional support; smashing your goals, moving in stride and it is amazing and inspiring. You’re awkward but you’re cute so that’s ok. You’re a loyal friend. Your unyieldingly optimistic. Even on the absolute worst days you still find something to laugh about, even if it is dry ass humor. You are a rockstar and your exuberance carries us so far in life.

Dominique Nicole, darling, you are so loved. I wrap my arms around you right now and I just pull you in close to let you know how much I love you. How valued you are. How important you are. How beautiful and amazing you are. I’m sorry that nobody will be there to protect you. I’m sorry that people will turn a blind eye to your suffering and your pain. Just know that I’m here for you. The power that they stole from you, from us, I’m taking it back. Know that we are a force to be reckoned with. Know that we survive and thrive. 

Dominique Nicole I love you and I’ll see you on the other side.

XO

The future Dominique Nicole 💋

For more about Dominique Nicole check out the links below:

Boss Lady Spotlight Interview

Gone for a minute now I’m back!