So this is a different health journey update than I was expecting to post. As stated in My Health Journey I’ve been trudging down the road of diets, exercise and the chase of overall fitness for some time. To be honest I suck at it. I have an overall awkward feeling no matter what I do. Meaning I feel awkward when I do things that are deemed unhealthy and I feel awkward when I do things that are healthy.
How I’m feeling
Last night I came to the realization that I hate my body. Like not that I’m just displeased with it but that I really hate it. And you can’t lose weight from a place of hatred. If your mind isn’t healthy then your body can’t be healthy either. In fact feeling like this is usually the precursor to an eating disorder.
I was distraught. I literally cried during my workout. Not because it was hard. Not even because it hurt or because I was tired. I was just frustrated. I went to the park today to walk my mile. Again, I cried the whole way through. If I’m honest I’m crying while I write this.
I miss my body before it became what it is now. It wasn’t ever perfect but I was fine with where everything was despite the relentless teasing I received from my peers. I look back at pictures of myself from high school and wonder how the fuck I let my family and my bullies make me feel bad about what I consider a banging body.
People are literally spending thousands of dollars to attain a shape I already had. I loved my body. I appreciated the curves. I loved my perky DDs and my voluptuous ass. My arms weren’t perfectly toned and my stomach wasn’t perfectly flat but I was fine as hell and received plenty of compliments for women and men alike.
The actual update
Now, well now I tend not to look at myself. I resent my body now. I’m enraged at not truly loving the body I had back then. Honestly I’m just frustrated, which doesn’t create a positive environment for change.
Since I wrote last I have lost 7 pounds so there is a positive note to this update. Unfortunately, there feels like there are a million more to lose. I know that there are all the clichés about how “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and how it “ took time to gain it so it will take time to lose it” but some days you just feel defeated.
If at first you don’t succeed…
I’ll hop back on the horse though. I’ll work on my abs and arms tonight. In the morning I’ll be back on the trail to walk my mile. I’m considering doing a 10 day smoothie cleanse to clear my body up a bit. Hopefully my next update will be much more cheerful, but I’m comfortable talking about my struggles. So I hope you’re comfortable with reading them.
Until next time,